


Well And Truly Buggered

by Honey_Rae_Pluto



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Bathing/Washing, Brian Needs a Hug, Crack Relationships, Fluff and Crack, Freddie is done, I Am Sorry, Implied Sexual Content, John is also done, M/M, Mpreg, Pregnancy Scares, Sort Of, Unplanned Pregnancy, he's just confused, mostly - Freeform, roger is Trying His Best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:14:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29765691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honey_Rae_Pluto/pseuds/Honey_Rae_Pluto
Summary: Roger doesn't think much of what he does in the bath until Freddie tells him some surprising news (It's a crack fic don't @ me)
Relationships: Freddie Mercury/Roger Taylor
Comments: 18
Kudos: 14





	Well And Truly Buggered

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> Big merci beaucoup to @pumpkinlily, a marvellous beta reader for this hellscape, go check out her works they are always impressive and so beautifully written.
> 
> I got the idea off of a oldish UK sitcom so if you can guess it you win a brownie point, and please don't take it too seriously it's just a mess around fic to pass the time.

“What’s wrong with you?” Roger landed himself heavily on the sofa next to Freddie, the older man holding one of the long brown sofa cushions close to his chest, shifting to swipe the coffee that John had left on the table just minutes ago, “You look like a borrower eating a bourbon.”

“S’nothing.”

“Tell me?” Roger sat up, prodding at his side. He’d lived in this pokey little flat with Freddie for about a year now, well - he rented the second bedroom from Freddie, it was Freddie’s place, his stuff and decorations everywhere; the delicate colour themes and large Japanese ornaments that he’d bullied the workmen into dragging up the several flights of stairs. 

Roger was just living there because there was no other choice, at first anyway, he was simply the lodger. Or that’s what he said. He had a job, working for Kew gardens pulling weeds, so he was lucky to have found a flat in London at all, but a flat with someone he could potentially sleep with? A Miracle. If he could ever manage it: so far Freddie had ignored or outright turned down the advances from the lovestruck lodger, but Roger was nothing if not determined.

It wasn’t just them, the flat next door had their friends; curly and salty as he’d nicknamed them. John, who seemingly just turned up when he felt like it, was pottering about their flat most days today included. Brian presumably had kicked him from the next door for eating bacon - judging from the smells coming in from the kitchen, so now he was an unwilling audience to the scene.

“No, you’ll call me stupid.” Freddie slapped his hands away, still looking downright miserable.

“Did I call you stupid when you lost all that money to me at poker?” Roger raised an eyebrow.

“No, darling, you said ‘don't give up, have another tequila’.” Freddie narrowed his eyes, “and ‘let’s pretend that clothes are money’.”

“Look, I was younger then,” It was about a year ago so that wasn’t a lie. Roger looked at him properly, he really didn’t look up for the constant backchat, “Come on, Freddo, what’s wrong.”

“I think I’m pregnant.”

John hooked his head around the door, looking in at the drama with the same bored expression he always had. Freddie just sat and watched as Roger stared blankly at him for thirty seconds, the silence dragging on awkwardly before the blue eyes blinked quickly.

“...How?”

“Rainbow, forget what your mum told you,” Freddie crossed his arms, “It’s nothing to do with cabbage leaves or storks.” 

“What?” Roger blinked again.

“A penis.” John clarified, already going back to the kitchen.

“Look, it’s really weird, I haven’t… you know,” He made a vague gesture with his index fingers, “for ages. I don’t know how it happened.”

“You sure?” Roger ignored the burning hot glare he received. “Maybe you did something while drunk and don’t remember.”

“I don’t get so drunk I’d not remember having sex,” Freddie stood up sharply, the cushion hitting him on purpose, “I’m not... you.”

“Well maybe someone… it happens. At a club with a drink, you don’t notice when something slips into your,” Roger could feel Freddie’s mind jumping the gun, an argument he didn’t much fancy getting into for the sake of a joke. “Into your drink.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“So how’d you know you’re pregnant-”

“I can sense it,” Freddie told him, “I’m going to go see the doctor next week.”

“You haven’t seen one yet?” Roger relaxed immediately, he’d go to the pub after this, calm down from the cheap soap drama, “So why are we fretting that there’s an immaculate muffin in the bread bin, Mary?”

“Oi,” Freddie reached to smack him again, “I’m pregnant, I know it.”

“See you in the delivery ward in nine months then,” Roger smirked, grabbing his coat, “Don’t worry about directions, I’ll follow the star.”

***

“Bri, ignore it, he’s making it up, it’s probably one of those phantom pregnancies,” Roger sipped at the foam on the top of his pint. He’d caught Brian on the way out, pulling him towards the Red Lion in time to get a long explanation about a physics lecture he’d given - interrupting him with the news of the pregnancy, “You know what he’s like.”

“Yeah, he’s always right, always managed to predict the important life events almost supernaturally,” Brian shook his head, eyeing Roger suspiciously, “There’s not more to this story is there?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Roger could feel himself blush.

“Look, I’m going to ask you something and I’ll know if you’re lying.”

“How?”

“I’m good at reading body language-”

“If you’re that good you’d have stopped talking to us all about space twelve months ago-”

“I know when you’re lying, Roger.” Brian told him firmly.

“Do you?” Roger grinned, sitting back - he could distract Brian fairly easily - and he didn’t much like where the discussion was going, “Try this one, my mother’s Maiden name is Hutchkins.”

“... Bullshit.”

“Wrong.”

“Roger, enough,” Brian snapped out of the game, “Have you slept together?”

“Yeah but don’t tell my dad.” Roger laughed, taking a drink of Brian’s glass before he noticed.

“I’m on about Freddie.”

“Of course I haven’t.”

“You’re the only person he’s been near for the past few months that isn’t me or John,” Brian sighed, “And you hear all these urban myths about people getting pregnant in weird ways, like from jacuzzis or swimming pools, maybe they’re true.”

“God you can tell you went to a posh all-boys school,” Roger rolled his eyes.

“You must’ve heard this, a bloke goes into a pool and eh… entertains himself,” Brian fumbled around the expression making Roger laugh again, poor thing was educated to within an inch of his life and now - a fully grown adult - was hopeless. “And the next person to get into the water can get, you know, pregnant.”

“Stick to space, mate,” Roger told him.

“Just saying,” Brian sat back, “You and Freddie don’t share bathwater, do you?”

“Yeah, and on sundays we wash the spuds in there too,” Roger gave him a pointed look, “Of course we fucking don’t… you can’t really get pregnant like that, can you?”

“Well it doesn’t matter cause you don’t share bath water, do you?” Brian matched, “Do you, Roger?”

“...So a few weeks ago-”

“I can’t believe this.” Brian stared at him, “God the poor kid’s gonna have Freddie’s eyes and your face, it’s going to be demonic.”

“A few weeks ago,” Roger glared at the comment, “I went to the bathroom to have a shower…”

***

“Have you heard of knocking!?” Freddie pulled the towel around himself again, glaring hard at the blond standing in the bathroom doorway.

“Have you heard of locking?”

“Have you heard of eviction?”

“That doesn’t rhyme,” Roger frowned, “I didn’t see anything… didn’t see much.”

“It’s that stupid bathroom lock you bought, it doesn’t work,” Freddie pointed an accusatory finger at the novelty lock. 

“What’s all this?” Roger brushed him off, glancing around the room at the candles and soap bottles, the pink bubble foam on the surface of the water, the nice smell coming from it all.

“It’s a bath,” Freddie replied drily, “Outside of Cornwall we have other places to store the fish.”

“I need a shower.”

“You’ll have to wait.” Freddie reached past him to get the door.

“I can’t, I’m meeting Bri, you know what he’s like when people are late,” Roger stayed firmly planted in the doorway, “He’ll get all teary and start looking for a policeman.”

“Ugh,” Freddie narrowed his eyes for a second before sighing, “Be quick.”

Roger finally moved to let him out, shutting the door behind him. “Fucking relaxing oils and candles, what kind of idiot falls for this rubbish,” He picked up the nearest bottle, giving it a sniff, “ooh, that’s nice.”

***

“Well?” Brian looked at him impatiently, “Did you?”

“Did I what?” Roger stared at his thumb.

“You know damn well what.”

“Of course I didn’t wank in the bath,” Roger shook his head, “Anyway, you cannot get pregnant like that.”

“It shouldn’t matter cause you didn’t do anything,” Brian pointed out, “Did you?”

“Eh…” Roger sank down in his chair, looking at the glass still, or at the window, or that the old man at the next table’s toupee, or… fuck, “It is Hutchkins…”

“Oh God,” Brian sat back, rubbing his face, “You got Freddie pregnant.”

“I was going to run him a new bath,” Roger promised, “But I fell asleep, I always do after wa-”

“I don’t want the details!” Brian snapped quickly, shaking his head.

“Next thing I know Fred was banging on the door saying he was going to be late so I just got out.”

“I’m telling him what’s happened.”

“No you fucking don’t,” Roger grabbed his wrist, “I’ll deal with it. You better not tell him, I don’t know what’ll annoy him more, the fact I got him pregnant or the fact I told you about it first.”

“Probably that you got him pregnant.” Brian pointed out, “And you had better tell him, or else.”

***

“Morning.”

“You don’t even live here, Deaky.” Roger watched the younger man dump his jacket on the sofa regardless.

“Who rattled your cage?”

“Who opened yours?”

“I see,” John smirked, watching the blond stab at his cereal, “Still thinking about Freddie being pregnant?”

“We don’t even know that’s true yet.”

“People know these things.”

“How do they know?” Roger put the spoon down.

“They feel irritable.”

“I feel irritable now and I’m not pregnant.” Roger pointed out.

“Yeah but you’re definitely on your man period.” John went past him to the kettle, “But maybe you’re right, he can’t be knocked up if he hasn’t had sex in ages.”

“Exactly.” Roger nodded quickly, “It’s funny, that reproductive thing, I remember hearing at Uni about some dragonflies that have babies by the male landing on the water and eh… leaving his seeds, and then the female sort eh… swims around where the male was and low and behold; she becomes pregnant. Wow. Can you imagine, if human beings could get pregnant like that? No way. That’d be impossible, wouldn’t it?”

John turned to look at him, seeing the blond puce faced and staring at him. “Roger, have you been wanking in the bath?”

“What?”

“Is that what you’re asking?” John looked almost offended, a different expression to the usual boredom.

“No… yes,” Roger admitted, burying his head in his hands, “I was going to run him a fresh bath but I fell asleep. You can’t tell me you don’t do it… actually don’t tell me I’ll be sick. Just answer me, it’s impossible to get pregnant like that, right?”

“Yes.” John told him, watching him practically deflate in relief, “Well virtually.”

“What does that mean?” Roger was wide eyed, “Virtually doesn’t help.”

“I’m just saying it is biologically possible for human sperm to survive outside the body at certain temperatures, like when it’s frozen.”

“That’s fine then,” Roger clicked his fingers, “The bathwater wasn’t cold.”

“Obviously not or you wouldn’t have had a wa-”

“Yeah alright.” Roger cut him off, “So I might be possible then… Oh no.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” John shrugged, heading back out the flat with his tea in hand, “He’s still not gotten it medically confirmed.”

“But that’s not for a week still.” Roger had his hands in his hair.

“Get a pregnancy kit then.”

“It’s pretty clear I’ve already got one of those,” He gestured at his groin, “Oh you mean… yeah. Yeah okay.”

***

“What’s that?” Freddie looked up from his laptop to the plastic bag Roger was waving in his face.

“Got you a present.” And pregnant, Roger thought to himself, bugger.

“What lovely wrapping paper,” Freddie got the knot out of the tesco’s bag, getting the little box out, “A pregnancy test? Don’t you think this is something I should’ve got for myself?”

“Would it help if you gave me the money?”

“Anyway, it’s not important, you were probably right,” Freddie shut the laptop, “There’s no way I’m pregnant.”

“Why don’t you just take it then?” Roger put the box back in his hands, “Put both our minds at rest.”

“Why do you suddenly care?”

“I eh… this flat isn’t big enough for three of us,” Roger answered off the top of his head, “I don’t really want to be lumbered with a baby when you move you.”

“Very funny.” Freddie crossed his arms.

“Just for fun then,” Roger jammed the test into his elbow, “Take it and see what happens.”

“You’re insufferable,” Freddie glared, spinning on his heels to the bathroom, slamming the door angrily on his way there.

Roger waited several long minutes, jumping out of his seat when he heard the door open again.

“See that novelty lock, you replace it next week, darling,” Freddie put the broken lock on the side, holding the test up to his shirt, “or it’s getting shoved up your ar-”

“What does the test say?”

“We have to wait a few minutes.” He put the stick down, wrapped in tissue paper beside him, not looking at it.

“Right,” Roger watched him sit down beside him, deep brown eyes looking faraway, “What… what happens if you are pregnant?”

“I’d have to sit down and make a lot of decision, my career, I’d have to put that on hold,” Freddie sighed, “And the birth, that’s terrifying enough to think about.”

“I’m sure it’s not as bad as people say,” Roger caught the glare, deciding to change his answer, “Stupid people say that.”

“It’s meant to be as bad as putting a whole baked potato through your penis.”

“Must remember to chew,” Roger joked, watching it land like lead, “You could still manage that, right?”

“I guess,” Freddie shrugged, “Then there’s my parents, god knows what they’d say. Then there’s the flat, like you said, it’s not big enough for me, you and the baby.”

Someone would have to go, Roger knew this, and that would definitely be him. “Test must be ready by now.”

Freddie slowly picked the test up, meticulously undoing the wrapping, keeping his thumb over the results to not look at them a moment longer - he must be terrified, Roger realised. He reached out to put a hand on Freddie’s, “You know, no matter what it says, I’ll stand by you,” Roger promised, more sincerely than he had been in years, “As a friend.”

He barely heard Freddie’s reply though the lump in his throat: he’d only ever be a friend.

“I’m pregnant.”

***

“Oh look who it is,” Brian waved, “Bathtime Billy and the flannelettes.”

“Shut up,” Roger smacked him with the shopping bag as he went past, making sure the bottles of milk hit him the hardest. “Why are you here, you’ve got a flat.”

“Don’t worry, I haven’t told him about you doing the unnecessary.”

“It is totally necessary,” Roger shook his head, “Stop having a go at me, Brian, I’ve just found out I’m going to be a father. I’m only twenty five.”

“You’re from Norfolk, you should be a grandfather by now.”

“But what about all the things I want to do?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know,” He shrugged, “Scuba diving.”

“You’ll still be able to do that with junior, he’s clearly a good swimmer,” Brian pulled him back, “You’re going to have to tell him, and soon. Things will need to be discussed.”

“Like me being evicted, I know, it’s been mentioned,” Roger huffed.

“And the money?”

“Don’t worry about that,” Roger brushed him off, “I don’t want any handouts.”

“Not for YOU, for the baby; from you,” Brian pointed out, “That’s like a grand a month.”

“How much?” Roger saw the door open, ending their argument, “Not a word about this.”

“The test must be wrong.” Freddie came in, talking on the phone, “I read somewhere certain foods can change it, I could’ve had something with nuts in it.”

“That’s a certainty,” Roger stared at the wall.

“Maybe it got contaminated.” Freddie tried, “God I don’t know… I’m going for a bath, try to de-stress.”

“Hmm,” Brian waited for him to go again, “Twins then.”

“Shut it you.”

“Where do you want to be a year from now? Seriously Roger.”

“I don’t know, over there,” he pointed to his side of the sofa.

“Well, with the whole baby thing, you could go from over there,” Brian pointed to his room, “To over there, in Freddie’s bedroom.”

“And how about you go from over here, to where you actually live.” Roger suggested, “And I’ll go over there, as far away from you as possible.”

“Fine, what do I care if you die alone.”

“What do you want?”

“Look, last week if I’d have offered you a settled life with Freddie,” Brian began, “You’d have bitten my hand off.”

“Might as well bite them both off,” Roger rolled his eyes, “You don’t use them-”

“You’ve certainly been using yours.”

“Yes alright, smartarse,” Roger flopped over the back of the sofa, landing on it roughly, “There’s not going to be any cozy relationship, I’ll get chucked out.”

“Not immediately, a baby doesn’t need it’s own room for ages,” Brian touched his shoulder, “And by then he’ll see how great you are as a dad, reading the little one bedtime stories, taking them to the park. He’ll think you’re great.”

“How’d you know? Got a sixth sense, see dad people?”

***

“You’re quiet,” John commented, for once in his own flat. Roger opened his mouth to complain about how little they had in the fridge, “No don’t spoil it.”

“I was just thinking about the baby,” Roger told him, “I’ve decided I want to help raise this baby, like a proper father.”

“A proper father?” The mechanic raised an eyebrow.

“We’re not the first people to have a child outside of wedlock.”

“Wedlock? You’re not even in sexlock,” John told him, “It’s one thing for a child to be born outside of marriage, another for it to be born outside of nature.”

“Deaks, it’ll be fine.”

“Until the kid starts calling it’s rubber duck daddy.”

“It’s definitely not hearing that story.”

“This is getting ridiculous,” John sighed, “Go through and tell Freddie how he got pregnant, or I will.”

“No.”

“Roger,” He grabbed his hand, pulling him across the landing between the two flats, “It’s you or me.”

“Alright, I’ll tell him it’s yours,” Roger smirked, earning him one hard shove into the flat and the door shut behind him. He couldn’t escape now, Freddie was on the sofa watching telly, John presumably was staying by the doors and the windows were too high up to jump. He was fucked.

“Freddie, Freddo, Freds, eh,” He toyed with his hands, “Can I talk to you for a minute? There’s something I need to tell you.”

“What, darling?” Freddie patted the space next to him on the sofa, his other hand already delicately over his middle.

“It’s a sort of confession… a difficult one.” Roger started.

“Go on,” Freddie smiled, “Just say it, honesty is the best policy.”

“That old chestnut, look what happened to Sparticus,” Roger said, “His last words were ‘why didn’t I just say Dave?’”

“Roggie, get to the point.”

“You’ll laugh. It might be one of those hysterical laughs where you think you’re crying,” Roger warned him, “but you’re not, you’re laughing. So just remember that, please...”

“Rog..?”

“You, you know a few weeks ago when I went into the bathroom and said I was going for a shower?” Roger looked at him, “I didn’t.”

“Don’t worry, no one noticed if you hadn’t washed.” Freddie teased, “You can try again next month.”

“No, no the thing is, I jumped in the bathwater before you-”

“Ugh, great,” Freddie cringed. “That’s disgusting.”

“Oh believe me, by the end of this, that bit will seem like a fairytale.”

“Well it better have a happy ending.”

“You could say that,” Roger bit his lip, “Thing is I eh… I did something in the bath.”

“What..?” Freddie blinked, brow furrowed.

“I… you know, sometimes need to relax,” He gestured wildly, “Please don’t make me say this.” Not to someone he fancied so much, not when he was the mother of their child.

“You didn’t drink my wine, did you?”

“No.” Roger died a little - he was actually going to have to say it, “I had a Sherman.”

“What’s a Sherman?”

“A Sherman tank? Cockney slang? Sherman tan-”

“Oh my God!” Freddie shot upright, “In my bathwater?!”

“I was going to run a fresh one for you,” Roger insisted, standing up with him, “I fell asleep, it’s those stupid relaxing oils, the soapy equivalent of rohypnol.”

“Roger,” Freddie frowned deeply, “That’s… why are you telling me this now?”

“Because you’re,” He nodded to Freddie’s middle, “Preggers.”

“Oh God, your… in my… Oh God!”

“On the bright side, at least they had a bath first.” Roger shrugged-

“Get out!” Freddie snapped, waving him towards the door, “Go on, I don’t want you living here anymore.”

Roger’s heart missed a beat, trying to see in Freddie’s eyes if he was really angry or if it was just a spur of the moment, “What about the baby?”

“We’re fine, we don’t need you,” Freddie spat, throwing his coat at him, “Go, I’m certainly not shaking your hand.”

“Okay…” He turned towards the door, opening it to find John had disappeared, “Bye, Roger.”

“Just one thing before you go,” Freddie stopped him, “April fools.”

“What?” Roger blinked, completely lost all of a sudden.

“I’m not pregnant,” Freddie clarified, “I made the whole thing up. To teach you a lesson.”

“What lesson?”

“For defiling my beautiful, innocent, sweet smelling bathwater, with your horrible, mucky… porridge.” Freddie stepped closer with every word, standing right up in his face.

“How did you know I’d-”

“I told you that bathroom lock wasn’t working, didn’t I?”

“And the other two? Where they in on it?” Roger asked, trying to get a bit more angry despite the relief he felt about the whole thing.

“Not initially,” Freddie shook his head, “But since you were going around telling people you had a wank in the bath I ended up explaining it. I can’t believe you thought it was possible to get pregnant like that.”

“Yeah alright, Brian thought it was possible too.”

“I don’t know what’s worse, the idea of having your baby, or that the local teacher that would be teaching our child is sexually repressed.”

“Probably the second one,” Roger voted, settling heavily onto the sofa, leaning back into the cushion, “It’s probably enough to make you forget about the first one… it’s not, is it?”

“Not really, darling. Where are you going?”

“New bathroom lock to fit,” Roger smiled, “Safe to say I’ve learnt my lesson.”

“Good,” Freddie matched his smile, “And, just so you know, if I had been… I wouldn’t have chucked you out.”

“Thank you.” Roger nodded, “I wouldn’t have gone anywhere.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey,
> 
> hope you enjoyed reading, if you have any asks or anything, head over to my tumblr, same name yada yada, I'd love to see what everyone thought in the comments but don't stress.
> 
> Thank you for reading
> 
> Love,  
> Pluto X


End file.
